the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform