Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The news in a nutshell.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Ron is short for Aaronald
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.