NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Mistakes were made
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there