When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym