There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!