Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
🙁
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.