Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.