Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
This was the best day of my life
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.