Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
#milo
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma