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Canada has crack?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Good morning
my name if I was in the mob
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.