will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?