TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.