[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
❤️🦆
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”