I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”