Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”