Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The Book. The Movie.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Education is vital
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
#Caturday
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.