On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?