I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*