I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.