My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Breaking news:
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread