Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it