I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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A roof is a house hat.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”