Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses