Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems