me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I can’t be the only one 😂