Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her