Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.