I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You Might Also Like
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me