‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic