Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
a public service announcement
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT