[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I only eat vegetarians.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
new career option?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”