Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.