My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Shower sex be like:
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]