How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
What my back needs
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Weirdos gonna weird.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.