This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.