My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Sign at work today
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.