When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters