like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!