Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
We all have our pet causes.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring