I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Monday?
No. Next question.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid