T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period