I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
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He wanted to make sure😂
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Well, shit
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”