[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son