“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?