The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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lol
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.