*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.