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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
this has done me in for some reason
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Beware of the dog..
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.