“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
ready to be harvested