[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy