As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.